The Best and Worst Things of 2008

These are things I value finding, enjoying and being around in the last year

1. Ryan
2. My really awesome promotion at a much needed time
3. Paying off the Laptop
4. Realizing we will graduate in a YEAR!
5. Mary getting married
6. Jon getting married
7. Trying Sushi for the first time ever and becoming an immediate fan
8. Taking Childrens Lit, British Lit (emphasizing on Austen) and Adolescent Lit
9. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog
10. The writer's strike, it was much needed and forced networks to give writers more on items they got paid less than 50 cents on...
11. Wii Fit-you can all laugh at me, but its nice to have something that forces me to exercise correctly thats available all hours of the day
12. Rayman Rabid Bunnies
13. Trax
14. Commuter Rail
15. Scarves
16. Skinny Jeans
17. Short Hair
18. The Book Thief
19. StruwwelPeter
20. Going to Wisconsin
21. Cardmaking
22. the Cricut
23. The Cuttlebug
24. Pushing Daisies
25. Chuck
26. Heroes
27. The IT Crowd
28. The Big Bang Theory (its a Saturnalia Miracle)
29. How I Met Your Mother (I'm a Neil Patrick Harris fan)
30. All the awesome festivals downtown
31. The U being undefeated in Football, it takes bragging rights away from those who are poor losers
32. Wall-E
33. The Lecture by Ed Catmull, head of Pixar at the U
34. Obama winning the election
35. Gas under $2.00 a gallon again
36. Akasaka Sushi
37. Dolcetti Gelatto
38. Trying Culver's for the first time and having to admit that the midwest has way way better dairy products than the west can ever hope for....

The Worst Things

1. The end of Capitalism as we know it
2. Huntsman cutting funding on snowplowing and thus making driving in the snow a very hazardous occurance
3. Increasing the cost of tuition
4. The crazy cold hand rash development
5. The continuing popularity of Reality TV
6. Breaking Dawn...I couldn't finish it because it was so badly written.
7. Twilight (the movie) 30 seconds of an intro for a Collective Soul song that does absolutely nothing for the movie, it just felt sloppily put together
8. The Economy, this includes and does not limit to people applying for mortgages and getting them too easily, people withdrawing money from stocks and going back to the mattress mentality and the stimulus checks that only delay the inevitable.

Thats my list for the year, and as the worst is only 8 items comparable to 38 of the best, I feel I have done the year justice.

Perfection-ism, Cataloging and my Disdain for it

Nothing in life is perfect. No one on the planet is perfect. People are not all the same, one should not ever be compared to another.

I was in an anthropology class once and the professor said something that stung me like a thorn, that people have to be judgmental, that it is something we have to do to survive and that the evolution of the world is based on it.

Maybe to a degree but not as intensely as people do.

Thus here I am, and I defy anyone to every want or tell me I am perfect, because that is perfectly ludicrous. Amidst the irony of putting up decorations with Ryan, I told him if this was anyone else it wouldn't be the same. My brain encourages all to think duh after that statement. But I love what I have, and I would not change one iota about it.

I love the crazy busy school/work life because this is the only time it will be exactly the way it is and I'm not ready to really be ahead of where I am now. Now is good. I'm flashing back to Pres Uchtdorf's talk at the Women's Conference, he said a lot of things that I needed to hear and was the right thing for most to hear.

He focused a lot on being Perfect and how that ruins our day to day lives. Women more than men actually compare themselves and its not always (I would say more often than not) a good thing.

I remember after that Conference talking to Ryan and saying, I never want to be perfect, and he kissed my head and told me he never wanted me to be. After all what is this perfect? I think I am perfect at being Angie, but I never want to be the perfect woman, mother, or wife, there is nothing about the idea that is healthy.

I love surprising people as they think they know just who and what I am and I do and the say "I never thought you were this type of person" or "I never thought you liked this"; truth be told I dare someone to categorize me as a type that fits, because the only one that fits is Angie Meeks, spaz extrordinaire. And why do I have to not do something if "I'm not the type". Well why not? and what in your life made you believe people have to be one way or the other? You want me to be less of who I am?

I like a lot of things about life, but my favorite thing is authenticity. Authentic food, friends, life, living, enjoyment, and my authentic Ryan. Others would need other things which is fine. but I hate with every fiber of my being people who do things because others want them too, people changing who they are around other people, it would both tire and annoy me keeping up with all of the facades, so here I am authentically me.

A lover of the fantastic and fantasy and sci-fi, rpg's, magic, holistic eastern thinking ( I HATE DR.S), other cultures and a little dabbling in card making(one day cricut thou wilt have thy own room, it shall be called a Craft Room), Sushi, music, writing, critiquing, living, loving and hating vampires without fangs, critiquing movies and plays and music as to wether it was worth the time spent, and not feeling invalidated by others who profess I don't seem the type, well then change the type, and I probably don't want to be it anyway.

Disdaining Perfectionism as the root downfall of all happy lives and the catologing that goes with it.

Concentration

Guess who has a paper due? I do, but I just have to outline, add quotes, fluff and then voila it’ll be done. Ok so that’s the whole paper, but its silly really, I am beyond the ability to focus, I have to nip all distractions in the bud but I just don’t have the motivation. It’s silly really, I’ve been doing school for years now, but fall semester is just harder.
I blame my beloved Thanksgiving, as visions of mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce dance through my head. And so it begins, the festivities that I love, but are distracting me from currently more life alternating responsibilities.

But in other news, I am utterly and completely content. My brain feels overstimulated and I predict all responsibility will shrink up in a corner after tonight, and thus making next week even more filled than this one….

Well my brain might turn off sooner than tonight, mayhaps its already been done, alas we go forth blindly ah yes, but I will over come this inability to concentrate, where is a can of orange juice when I need it…

Bailout Blues

The automotive industry has received a bailout, now it is not just banks, but now companies receiving bailouts.

I am frustrated and I don't understand how a country already so in debt is able to use money it doesn't have to save companies. The system seems flawed and utterly in turmoil. I see the end to capitalism and the beginning of socialism, and I don't like it. The problem is, it can't stop now, we are in the midst of a cycle that cannot end happily, for the government is in debt and they are borrowing money from someone else. So who is this someone else and when are they going to come claim their justice?

Stimulus Checks don't work, and why? Because the people who would most profit from it do not get as much as everyone else. The system is flawed and I call for change.

"Remember Remember the 5th of November."

Random Skin Antics

So for the past little while my skin has been freaking me out. It started one lovely Wednesday night while we went out to eat with some close friends. After dinner we walked around Trolley Square for a bit but I began to feel very uncomfortable in the skin I am in, I looked at my hands and my knees and feet and my skin was both swollen and hot but itching like mad and red blotches began to appear.
We quickly went home and I took a quick bath thinking it was something on my clothes, and changed to a different outfit. The next day at work my hands were itching something awful and my hands were ugly swollen balloons. I put lotion on thinking it was from the drastic change in weather.
We attempted dancing, Ryan had to hold my wrists and the dancing was nothing less than ungraceful.
A whole week went by with this discomfort until I finally caved and called the doctor. At first I called the Dermatology unit, the soonest date they had available wasn’t until December and if I drove a half hour then possibly November. Keep in mind this was a week and a half before Halloween. So I called my family doctor and went to show them my bizarre alien skin, of course knowing doctors and my lovely situation with them and how absolutely bizarre my medical issues are, they told me close to nothing but prescribed an allergy medicine and gave me a stronger cream to use on it. It is now November 13 and though the allergy medicine is making everything bearable, my strong tendency to not taking medicine unless I absolutely have to snuck in.
Within 3 hours of being off the medicine, the red spots appeared all over and began to burn me.
So consensus, I have some awful allergic reaction. To what? Who knows I’m still trying to keep my skin unexposed to the air, and that seemed to help as well, but I’d like a real diagnosis and not just something to cure the symptoms. I’d like to circumvent the whole thing altogether. Does anyone have any ideas?

A Few Things

I am a bona fide Libertarian and all people who react calling all Libertarians crazy, well here I am.
They use examples of people who are running on the Libertarian ballot that they claim to be nut cases, but I think all parties have rotten nuts among them, and it should not stop a person from researching a party out.

But to all those who see the world as black and white donkey and elephant why not change that view. There is so much out there available to us other than Republican and Democrat, but if it fits what you think the world should be then great for you. I am speaking out to people who pick from both sides, moderates, and why can't their be a mainstream media known 3rd party, why should the country demand a person choose between a ham sandwich or a cheese sandwich, why cannot the sandwich be put together and become a ham and cheese sandwich, delicious delectable mesh of the flavors complimenting the other as the original could not.

So hoping, nay demanding another choice is our god given right, mine which I defend and all people calling that crazy to you I say good day and enjoy your bland sandwich. Viva La Flavor!

News

I don't know why Ryan insists on watching the news, I just can't watch anymore.
There are too many things going on that rile me up and make me unbearable with my many soapboxes for days on end.

And then there is the inevitable "I told you so" thats been on the tip of my tongue for years, and its getting harder and harder to not scream at this point.

I'm just wondering why people are so greedy and why we all have to suffer because of it.
Why doesn't anyone trust candidates and why do they all have to be so greasy and slimy.
Why can't that change?

The Death of Capitalism

Last Nights Debate

Its really hard to decide where to begin, as there is so much ridiculousness about it. They shouldn’t call them debates they should call them slams. And both sides are just as at fault, with McCain’s responses littered with Cronies, and Obama’s with lobbyists. This was bothersome because its alienating. Its hard enough to decide what with policies changing so much but with the added mudslinging and the fangs being bared. How is it adult or mature at all?

I have to say this, I understand what the proposed policies are and how they should work, but the thing is nothing works out as planned. If McCain gives a trillion dollars to companies and people with mortgages, what have we learned? Absolutely nothing! Why don’t we just erase our debt and start over? It’s the same concept and it does not work for the same reasons that this one won’t. If you rescue someone they tend to not be smart about what they ought to do, typically they frivolously spend without saving and not bettering their situation, but merely sinking right back into it.

The problem is the whole country is drunk on spending money and now consumers don’t trust it and so they are going back to the “putting money in the mattress” idea.

My solution is rather simple, a bailout of types, but one with regulation and trust on both sides. Give the money that would be for bailing out companies to their stock holders in a form that cannot be withdrawn for 5-10 years. Announce the solution and give a deadline for people to buy stocks, that way everyone would have a fair chance. Its nipping the first part of the problem where it started.

Too bad politicians are so slimy, they’d have come to a better solution ages ago, but it wouldn’t benefit them, their friends or their lobbyists.

I think I’m witnessing the death of capitalism.

Making Sense of a Nonsensical Time

This makes sense to me, because flash back to the stimulus check, done via tax bracket. Its never made sense, and it never will make sense to pay people more government funding if they make more. This makes way too much common sense, so they must circumvent, reword and reward negligent friends who are in the higher bracket.
The article best explaining in layman’s turn what is going on is:
http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/09/29/why_bail/
I was linked to it from my friend Natalie’s blog. Here are some highlights I liked best.

By Dean Baker
“At this point I cannot identify a single good reason to do the bailout.
The basic argument for the bailout is that the banks are filled with so much bad debt that the banks can't trust each other to repay loans. This creates a situation in which the system of payments breaks down. That would mean that we cannot use our ATMs or credit cards or cash checks.
That is a very frightening scenario, but this is not where things end. The Federal Reserve Board would surely step in and take over the major money center banks so that the system of payments would begin functioning again. The Fed was prepared to take over the major banks back in the 80s when bad debt to developing countries threatened to make them insolvent. It is inconceivable that it has not made similar preparations in the current crisis.
In other words, the worst case scenario is that we have an extremely scary day in which the markets freeze for a few hours. Then the Fed steps in and takes over the major banks. The system of payments continues to operate exactly as before, but the bank executives are out of their jobs and the bank shareholders have likely lost most of their money. In other words, the banks have a gun pointed to their heads and are threatening to pull the trigger unless we hand them $700 billion.
If we are not worried about this worst case scenario (to be clear, I wouldn't want to see it), then why should we do the bailout?
There has been a mountain of scare stories and misinformation circulated to push the bailout. Yes, banks have tightened credit. Yes, we are in a recession. But the problem is not a freeze up of the banking system. The problem is the collapse of an $8 trillion housing bubble. (It was remarkable how many so-called experts somehow could not see the housing bubble as it grew to ever more dangerous levels. It is even more remarkable that many of these experts still don't recognize the bubble even as its collapse sinks the economy and the financial system.) The decline in housing prices to date has already cost the economy $4 trillion to $5 trillion in housing equity. This would be expected to lead to a decline in annual consumption on the order of $160 billion to $300 billion.
Given the loss of housing equity, I have actually been surprised that the downturn has not been sharper. Homeowners had been consuming based on their home equity. Much of that equity has now disappeared with the collapse of the bubble. We would expect that their consumption would fall. We also would expect that banks would be reluctant to lend to people who no longer have any collateral.
This is the story of the downturn and of course the bailout does almost nothing to counter this drop in demand. At best, it will make capital available to some marginal lenders who would not otherwise receive loans. We should demand more for $700 billion.
For the record, the restrictions on executive pay and the commitment to give the taxpayers equity in banks in exchange for buying bad assets are jokes. These provisions are sops to provide cover. They are not written in ways to be binding. (And Congress knows how to write binding rules.)
Finally, the bailout absolutely can make things worse. We are going to be in a serious recession because of the collapse of the housing bubble. We will need effective stimulus measures to boost the economy and keep the recession from getting worse.
However, the $700 billion outlay on the bailout is likely to be used as an argument against effective stimulus. We have already seen voices like the Washington Post and the Wall Street funded Peterson Foundation arguing that the government will have to make serious cutbacks because of the bailout.
While their argument is wrong, these are powerful voices in national debates. If the bailout proves to be an obstacle to effective stimulus in future months and years, then the bailout could lead to exactly the sort of prolonged economic downturn that its proponents claim it is intended to prevent.
In short, the bailout rewards some of the richest people in the country for their incompetence. It provides little obvious economic benefit and could lead to long-term harm. That looks like a pretty bad deal.”

So in reality the bailout only rewards people who are spending more than the average person. Probably the same people who haven’t dropped prices in food. So looking at the Presidential tickets, some things the layman should know.
McCain/Palin-will likely be a continuing of the Bush regime. Rewarding friends with tax breaks and so forth, just like most all other Republicans minus Ron Paul.
Obama/Biden-since he isn’t backed by huge corporate businesses, it’s a lot more likely he won’t reward them with tax breaks.
Who would you choose? Who would reward the more middle class Americans?
Also, for people who market and use the internet for business, McCain wants to charge you a type of electronic property fee. While I have to admit the market is there, why should people have to pay for their online advertising, aside from what they probably already pay.
Last Spring when the markets were teetering it seemed worse for the gov to step in and save companies. What happened to capitalism? And the only way capitalism works is if the government isn’t attached. The more banks going under now is the banks own fault. But no one is worried about their neglectful actions because if its bad enough and they think they affect the economy so heavily, they now the government will come in and save them.

America the Beautiful?

I am an Unreliable Narrator, I realize that, I’m impulsive and quick to the point, but have benefited very much from my “initiative”.

This being said, look at the country, its crumbling under our feet, the economy is a joke and if this only affected the US I wouldn’t care, but its nation wide. The US has put the world in a very scary position. This era of running around without checks and balances, removing regulations is taking its toll. And I for one am not going to sit quietly while people lie to my face and tell me everything is going to be ok.

This is scary.

So who is responsible? The greedy people who removed the regulations and lined their friends pockets with money. I am a moderate, and I don’t really feel I should have to have a tie to a country that has so abused my rights. What rights you say? Property.

Property has been a long promise for those in the middle class and that dream was ripped away when people started walking away from loans and mortgages. But why would banks give loans to people who before now wouldn’t have been approved, the removal of regulation and now the demand for it as there are consistent bail outs, but who is benefiting? I see my stocks shrinking, so it must be those greedy bigots at the top, the ones who used loans that should have benefited first time home buyers on 3rd and 4th houses.

You think this is radical? Well open your eyes, if you aren’t appalled you aren’t paying attention. It seems like no one is. Look at the condition of the world, it seems people who should be paying really close attention have done nothing, and who is going to suffer? We are.

A few summers ago an amazing TV show aired, which I watched online, why pollute my mind with more advertising? The show was amazing, it touched on the dystopian feel of America, and how so many do not feel a strong patriotic feel. I am one of them. I see America as destroying culture, the strong influence we have over the development of todays time is awful. What happened to the beauty each culture had before? Why swirl it into one? Helped them? Brought them technology? Hardly, England merely exploited and how can anyone say we do any different? There is a reason that people in India run from people trying to give them polio immunizations, because before they were sterilized.

Leave the country you say? Gladly, but the irreparable damage is done, and the whole world is suffering. But aren’t we innovative you say? Hardly, our country outlawed scientific developments for RELIGIOUS REASONS. That’s nearly as awful as burning down the Great Library but instead outlawing the knowledge within. So how can I speak out?

I am a traveler, I refuse to be an American. Not with its cookie cutter neighborhoods, excessive consuming, and paltry fast food restaurants.

So I am Angie a traveler.

Snack or Feast?

I have read Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer, and I’m not impressed by it at all. Its like my pickiness with watching movies, they should do something for me, otherwise why should I waste my time watching? Time is something I value, I don’t have enough of it. I’m always in a hurry, busy, and I welcome days where nothing is planned. Even getting sick is a blessing, as it forces both Ryan and I to slow down.

Back to the book, its candy, its like chocolate, easy to consume but not nourishing, lest its dark chocolate, but the whole series has been gross waxy chocolate. Even worse is that people are raving about it, this very very unhealthy book series. However, I feel that with Breaking Dawn, there was too much and people finally took a stand against the impracticality and the difference between that and real life.

Good writers don’t let you question between what is reality and what is the book’s reality. They tell you what is real, and when you finish the book, you ache for that other reality, or location, you feel its departure and ending acutely. This is not the case with mediocre writing.

Astounding difference, “The Book Thief” written some few years ago has a more poignant story and makes you miss the world and story. Perhaps I have been spoiled, I’m fairly certain I have had the good fortune to get my hands on stories and books that have enriched my being.

Now let us compare, what would you rather have, a beautifully delicious feast or a simple Hershey’s bar? I felt like “Breaking Dawn” was a simple American waxy chocolate bar. Where is the quality in that?

Now to go find myself a feast.

Opposite Day

My brain is literally a mess of things right now. This is my feeble attempt to sort some issues out. I really am quite unfocused right now. This is so awkwardly different from Saturday, when I woke up and started writing, same for Sunday, but I guess weekend life is radically different from the work week. I dream of a day when it’s the opposite, when my job besides taking care of children will be writing.

Repression and the Obvious Consequential Result

I’m reading “The Catcher in the Rye”, a book I recalled from a Newsradio episode where the characters were all discussing how their parents wouldn’t let them read it; one mother burned down her house to stop her child from reading it. This encouraged me to read the novel, however 5-6 years later I have finally begun to read it.

The 50’s kind of appall me. I just don’t understand how revolutionary ideas would be so tamed by the end of war. Logically the end of war is two steps forward, not two steps back. And a book like “The Catcher in the Rye” published in 1951, should not have been so disconcerting. The book deals with a lot of swearing, but as compared to what is published nowadays, it is exceedingly tame.

The novel deals with growing up, dealing with teenage angst with a character that is relatable for all, someone dealing with depression as a result of post traumatic stress.

Why should mental illness have been so taboo? Why was there such an awful social stigma associated with being psycho analyzed, and why has it caused such a commotion.

However, I think the 1950’s taught us a very important lesson. If you do not deal with an issue, it does not go away, it merely festers. Something to keep in mind with current issues, ignoring them and brushing them under the rug makes the situation worse.

Logically the 50’s repression leads to the 60’s wildness, and the 50’s conservativeness leads to the 60’s liberalness. But that’s a good thing and society has a way of correcting itself from decade to decade, lets see what the 2010’s have in store for us.

This Semester

Thus far in the semester, my classes seem superb. There is still some heart ache over dropping Latin, but the other classes more than make up for it. I have to attend 3 music concerts, an Opera, a production studio, Much Ado About Nothing at the Babcock Theatre, attend 3 poetry/fiction/plays/lectures/exhibits. So here is how I see it, the required attendances could be used for the last one, but why would I want to cheat myself of the excuse to go see an assortment of rich cultural performances?

Latin would have tacked on two more, which I would still like to attend, they are the Classical Greek Theater Festival of Utah’s Production of Euripedes’ Medea, this is performed outside on the grass right by Pioneer Memorial Theater, and it is free; the second is Mark Miner’s performance of selections from Virgil’s Aeneid at Westminster College.

Huzzah for professor’s that thrive on the beauty of the arts.

Worst Fears

My worst fears have been realized, I miss music, wholeheartedly in my life. I miss playing in an orchestra and band, but most of all I miss the Bassoon. Admittedly, I was not dedicated, and was swayed after High School to stop playing.

I no longer had access to a bassoon, but my heart would never stop yearning. After I had been married for a year, my husband got me a digital piano, the perfect size for our pint size apartment. It is a connection to the ethereal, but in this busy world it seems there is still no time.

Ryan on the other hand makes time for his musical love and as he does so the rest of his life comes into balance. His guitars are displayed in our apartment for easy access for his constant playing urges. He inspires me, by far my musical superior, and he lives his life like he plays.

It is impressive, and freeing, not tied down to just one way of thinking, constantly evolving. His musical style has changed since I have met him, and its just one of the many things that leaves me in awe.

Last night I had my 3 hour long Opera Appreciation class. It was fantastic. The music touched me in ways that I had long forgotten. The beauty of opera energizes me, it is a pleasant change to the grinding metal of construction. For the class we are going to attend Capitol Theatre’s Madame Butterfly, and I am happily anticipating the date.

At least if I can’t play the bassoon, I can appreciate the performances of others who do.

Over Done

Some things to know about me.

I like things for their uniqueness, and that uniqueness is stripped away from whatever when it is over played, used, seen etc. Variety is the spice of life, why should I force feed myself the same commercials, the same songs, the same haircut, the same style, the same things as everyone else. It logically makes no sense to me, and seems like mindless little lemmings have taken over.

Lemmings, ah the good ol’ days when you were taught as a child how to control lemmings, let them sacrifice each other and other manipulative things. It seems we were in fact in training to manipulate everything around us.

I feel like that when I hear the same answers to questions from 10 different people, its disconcerting, like we really have less decision in life than we give ourselves credit for. Making decisions, and finding things on our own accord is the adventure. Its awesome, and it is dreadfully awful to see something once loved turned on its head and become overplayed drivel.

Jason Mraz’ I’m Yours is one such victim. We played this song at our wedding, on our slideshow, wedding video, because I bought the EP 2 years ago, when it was newly released and still unknown, and I loved it.

2 years later its everywhere, everyone plays it, you can hear it in cars next to you when you are stopped at a light. Poor Jason, he is too talented to want just one song of his to be everywhere, he’d much rather prefer it to be 4-5 songs moderately played and he is too rebellious to want it to be one of his less witty songs.

A way for Angie to avoid the manipulation of marketing is through Pandora Radio. Made by the music genome project to show how you can jumpstart your own personal radio station with just one song, or band. You can skip songs and tell the station you don’t like it, the future of radio indeed and there are no commercials, and its free.

Last FM is obnoxious, and I hated it, Pandora is far superior. Check it out, Pandora.com and never have to fall victim to overplayed songs!

My Kitty

My Kitty

My Kitty died on Friday. I know I haven’t lived at home for quite some time but I was pretty devastated by it. She was beautiful. She’d eat ice cream with me, she was adorable. One of the most social cats I have known.

These past 3-4 years she’s been on a heavy decline, not running around pouncing on bugs, string and ping pong balls, not really doing much of anything other than sleeping. I teased her something awful, we all did, but we loved her immensely.

I got the call around 5:30 on Saturday, and none of them expected me to dash over. And so dash I did to look at my Kitty for one last time and sit around with my family as we went over what we remembered. It was good, she doesn’t suffer from arthritis now and she won’t get anymore cysts in her eyes.

Poor Kitty, we all loved her, she was old, admittably, full grown when we got her when I was 10, I’m coming up on 22 so we had her for 12 years. She was a member of the family, always fun to see when I’d go visit my parents and she was very social, she loved people, and she was so nice to little kids.

Goodbye Tipper, my friend, my pet, my solace.

The Inability to Say No and the Return to Gumption

I’ve noticed something I find interesting, my morning rants are less of a rambled mess and have a pattern of an overlaying meaning embedded inside. I’m not sure if that means that these are more successful or less. I am tired. I have 4 days until a blissful rest, but I feel that looking ahead to much is not a good pattern for me. This is a circle I continuously get caught in as I get involved with something, feel overwhelmed, and look for its end. Really not the healthiest way to live, but I feel like I’m not a lone in this, in fact I see it daily on the faces of people I interact with. It seems life is passing me by but time goes to fast, my days weeks and months have all speedily sped past me. Few things really make me realize how quick everything is going, because usually I am right along piling things on my plate.

I feel like the kid in line at the cafeteria who says more please, and instead of getting a little more, the tray is so full I can barely manage to carry it. Sometimes I wonder if people really know how much is going on for me when they ask me to do something else, because I have this awful tendency of not being able to say no. I think it must be hereditary, or a trait I learned too well.

Anyway, now, as I have embarked on my own and have my own family unit, now I cannot say no. I think it drives Ryan nuts, and somehow he puts up with all of the nonsense that me saying yes to doing everything accomplishes. Last summer after all my classes, I was beat, worse than beat, I was a limp scraggly noodle, like the one that gets over cooked and is sad and pretty gross on the bottom of the pan. Well Ryan is a genius and knows me and my own sad little ambitions all too well, he made me take fall semester off. I benefited hugely from the escape and was so bored with all the new found time I had that I was and still am super thrilled to be back and at it again.

School excites me, and for those it doesn’t I don’t think they have given the whole learning process a fair shot. Although, I hate when papers are left for me to read because someone thinks I will benefit from the information. I like choosing what I read, and almost take people reading things to me as a threat of war. I guess it is just all in how they approach the topic and convince me that they are sharing whatever they are sharing because they are educated on it, or because they are genuinely just sharing. When people share things because they think I need to hear it I typically plug my ears and feel infuriated that they think they know what I need better than I do? It is pretty silly, but I remember countless experiences where my mom would pick out articles and make me read them, and I was severely scarred from the experience.

Just yesterday she left something on our kitchen table quite near to Ryan’s Mac, and I read it happily when I saw it, thinking perhaps Ryan had printed it out. After I read it, I realized it was too cutesy for Ryan’s taste and that I knew my mom was dropping by to pick something up, and so the gears began to turn and an intense feeling of trickery and mischief leaped through me. She had left it for me to read. The feeling grew until I was sure of it and then felt beguiled, but I would not know for sure until Ryan told me, and so I waited and while I waited I played a slew of ridiculous messages explaining to me the fastest way to get out of my neighborhood to somewhere else. I just started laughing, how ridiculous could this be? And who would suppose I needed any instruction? Ah yes the ludicrousness was overwhelming, but instead of getting mad, I just laughed and kept laughing, Ryan opened the door to my giggling and was quite confused, and I wasn’t done, there were still 3-4 more messages, starting out “Angie I was wrong, you do this”. I got a pretty big kick out of it, as I felt my free will being stripped of me and my resiliency to take another route fortified.

We hiked Ensign Peak a very small jaunt, and not at all a big hike, but I have discovered something. I have sad little feet that are not strong and are too used to small activity as opposed to hiking; small activity being walking on sidewalk, as opposed to a trail on a mountain. Poor little feet, they are still not very happy with me, but they will get stronger. Other good news, my legs have muscle! Its pretty exciting for me and I am still at a quandary as to how to get upper body strength. Ryan says since I can’t do any pushups, that I should do a pushup a day for a week and then two, and so on. He’s been suggesting this for months but I always find some excuse or other, but I think after writing this, it proves it has been on my mind and therefore I should try.

So, if I can get lower body strength, I am sure that somehow, and with lots of work, I can get upper. I am kind of scared to tax my body too heavily, but that is part of the reason to get into shape. I found out that appearances are far from accurate and that I have a higher risk for certain diseases because of the lack of exercise in my life.

We got the Wii fit, but I need to have the resolve to use it daily, which at this point, from a lack of time, I seem to not have. Well here goes gumption and hoping something comes from it.

Just A Hope Skip and A Way to Wisconsin

I’m setting off again, a week before the journey to Wisconsin. I am so excited to go back there. No one will judge me so much as they do here. No one will be too pleased that darling angie has a bikini, but I have my excuse, and my one piece. Ryan will see normal relations that I do not know very much about, but I will return to a place where time will not run near so fast and a day can include thousands of adventures and happenings and delicious fresh picked out of the garden food!

With such a beautiful adventure in front of me its no wonder I am salivating to start writing, to let my ever obstinate and ever antagonistic voice be heard. To delight as the car breaks down in Nebraska once more and the stories that a plane ride would never include are a must in the 24 hour non stop drive roadtrip. I am cowering as to what to write, I just know that I must, that this grey haze I have had for weeks, not departing when I satisfy what I think I must be craving, will be satisfied and the sun and serotonin from being in the country will rejuvenate my weary bones.

You laugh, weary bones, why I am only 21, I should not be decrepid until I am 60. Well my body has played many mean tricks as to disguising my real age. Most of the tricks I had my fair share in, but the balance and lack thereof I blame on the body I am inhabiting. No matter how I put it, I am out of shape, the failed hike on Saturday more than pointed that out. I may have delightful hiking boots but my calves, thighs, back and arms have suggested that I am ages older than 21. They tell me that I hope in vain to be in shape again, or for the first time ever, but there resistance merely invigorates me. I must tame my own frailty and mold it into being in shape as opposed to “a shape”. I am not obese, I will never be, but I am not the fittest or healthiest I should aspire to be.

I dream of going to a world where the TV stays off and the internet is not used all day. I dream of being not in a office, but, in a library with books; outside soaking up the rays and with it the glorious serotonin that is severely absent from my daily routine. I dream of looking down the road and not seeing a car for miles, for having the closest public venue be a bar/gas station/ miniature golf place ¼ of a mile a way. I dream of looking up at the stars and not needing to drive away from the city to see what I see here after driving 15 miles up the canyon. I fantasize about talking to much and knowing people too well.

It would be so different from my current 40 hour a week expectations as I realize I do not have a full conversation with anyone. There are the occasional more in depth conversations, but nothing profound, nothing that excites the writer inside of me. The writer in me is asleep waiting for a road trip just days away. She’s probably praying for adventure and something more exciting than watching movies the whole way there, while I am too scared to think of packing, not really knowing what ought to come with me and what needn’t.

I’m excited to get to know my family again, to be stuck with Joshy and Jon and really know them more than the birthday dinner and occasional phone call/ work drop in allows. And to meet new people and know them. I dream of a place where time slows down and it would seem the important things are the only relevant issues. A place where I do not always feel forced to say yes and comply. A place where I am more than a worker.

Its apparent you need a vacation when you cannot think straight about anything else.
I obviously am in serious need for one. Why has it taken me so long to get to this place? Well a better question is when could I go on a full blown affordable trip? Certain things have just held me back and stuck sitting in an office day after day seeing my youth pass me by, but at the same time I have been putting myself and my husband through college, and that is worth all the hard work and then some. It seemed that all the summers before the trips happened before August, but Joshy’s overachieving ness has made the trip take place shortly before classes commence.

He is getting/has gotten his associates in finance, or something close to that like accounting. Well since he was in classes this summer, the trip is starting this Friday. I am very excited, and hope for a world that is not tainted by the fine line of nostalgia and reality. I hope to see this world through a middle ground perspective, still maintaining the magic and mystery and joy I ever place in my heart when I reminisce.

I have not been back for years. Whenever my family went back I was stuck working or in school. It seems there has been a long call on my return and with it the serenity that a lush green country can inspire.

Last Semester I read a Grimm’s Fairytale that was rather similar to the adventure lying in my wait. It was about a return to yesterday. A girl had a fairy friend and kept the friend as long as she was a child and did not tell anyone about him. She grows up and cannot be friends with him any longer. When she is older and has a daughter of her own, her daughter becomes friends with this same fairy. The girl tells her husband about the fairy and that night all of the fairies leave the forest.

Its kindof sad and thoughtprovoking, especially where children’s literature is concerned. It expresses and explains the fragility of childhood and the relationship between the adult and the child. The mother remembers, but makes the child grow up too. The same seesaw is used in Peter Pan. It is the mother who tells her children about Peter Pan, and thus they are able to pretend about him. The mother gives them the tools but the world they create is very much their own, and the mother is alien to it.

A lot of classic children’s literature has an interesting separation between the adults and the children. Most Grimm’s Fairytales kill off or separate the child from the parents in order to make it a children’s story. I feel like order and routine have silently wound their way into my life and choking off the creative stream from my throat. I feel starved for creativity to be more unique and different, never desiring the sameness I inflict on others.

Well no one said I was perfect, in fact, I’m not sure if I would want to be, and wouldn’t perfection be in the eye of the beholder? Ah subjection how thou dost slay me and pacify me in the normal society cage. Why hast thou chosen me as thy victim? Why couldst not I exist without the barricades placed upon the world by Plato and Protestantism? Why do I increasingly feel paranoid and wonder if people spy upon me and proclaim me crazed? Why must I feel responsible for the idiocy of my fellow men? Why cannot I exist without? Why do people put me and my values in a box? People were not meant to be caged, they were meant to live, to be free, to know others and enjoy company, to not be alien, to be nice and not mean and not evil and not sue happy. It is a terribly frustrating world, and it feels as though others are so desensitized by it that to care is a crime. Well then make me a criminal.

I had better prefer to be thought as doing something, as opposed to watching everything go down the drain; its not fair for children to be brought up in a world where everything has a negative connotation. There is good, its just hiding afraid from the ACLU as they proclaim everything gray and make someone who is offended by something that inspires goodness a normal every day threat, as they tear down the hope and unity we all desire and leaving in its wake Politically Correctness, never knowing what is ok and what isn’t, rules changing everyday, and fear the cousin to Politically Correctness.

Well I’m done walking on eggshells, I exist therefore I am, I think therefore I feel different, I speculate and theorize and that makes me unnormal. I want to live a life where I do not feel in danger of not angering anyone, by perhaps angering everyone?

I’m tired of seeing hate and fear in differences, I’d rather see love and understanding, isn’t that what cultural appreciation is all about? Isn’t it about learning from each other and both benefiting, as opposed to one person taking it all? That child obviously never learned or needed to share, and perhaps it was never disciplined, or disciplined too much. This is ridiculous, I hope I am not alone in seeing the insane ludicrousness.

I want out, perhaps Canada will do, just a hope skip and a way to Wisconsin.

Funny Bumper Sticker

We were parked the other day and saw a bumper sticker that said "if you aren't appalled then you aren't paying attention". It was very clever to say the least and I'd seen it a few times before, but this time it sparked a conversation between Ryan and I about how flexible the sticker was as it could be insulting the reader for:

their driving
apathy towards the country
apathy towards politics
etc...

I love clever sayings that can be taken so many different ways. They make me happy.

Reality TV or Really Manipulated TV

So yesterday morning, before the crack of dawn, at 3 in the morning, I drove my hubby down to the Energy Solutions Arena (its still the Delta Center in my heart) to try out for American Idol. The night before, I told him that I support him in achieving his many many dreams, but that I thought American Idol was a manipulative evil publication.

Around 3:30, 12 hours later, he told me that he didn’t make it. I was relieved to have a husband again and when I got home from work crashed because my body was pretty upset at having been up at 3. Around 10, when Ryan rose from the dead, we finally started to talk about the process he had gone through.

He really wanted professional feedback, but however, received none. As it turns out the first try out the producers screen people to see the 3 judges; you have to be really amazing or really suck to pass. This is why when the blooper tryouts air there are so many terrible acts, and why the people are all but heart broken when they hear how bad they really are; screened and profited by other peoples humiliation this is what the producers are giving to us to watch.

I myself am terribly happy that Ryan was in the middle of both of these categories. Just something to think about as people watch the supposed reality TV.

My list of things that must go

I’m tired, I feel like writing so much more, but I can’t find the right things to say, or the right way of saying things.

So in honor of the Radio From Hell show on X96, I have decided to post my list of things that must go.

1. People seemingly forgetting that although said dead actor put on a spectacular performance, it led most definitely to said actor’s own demise.
2. Action Movies, this isn’t the first time I’ve griped about the meaningless drivel that makes it to the big screen for the masses.
3. Contractor’s unprofessional and unethical persistentnes, I said no and I’m sorry I don’t have the information you need, you should leave now. What was that? You want me to call the person on VACATION who has the info you desire, why certainly, just a moment.
4. Bad Sushi, it gives good sushi a bad name…
5. Fast Food, its been making me sick lately…cursed hunger cravings on the go…
6. Caffeinated drinks…they aren’t worth the hours of caffeine headaches one gets when one tries to rectify the dependency.
7. Construction. It boggles my brain that one cannot get from one side of 1-80 to the other below 20th east until state street. That is 20 blocks, and typically out of the way, not making the gas crunch any easier.
8. Advertising new gadgets for scrapbooking, I’m supposed to have sworn off the addiction until I have kids, but one gadget after the other seemingly makes it into my hands. The latest that are tempting me that must go off the market somehow are the cuttlebug and the cricut design studio. I must focus on being a poor starving student for yet another year.
9. New York Bestseller Lists. So many people upon discovering that I am an English major ask me which of these I have read, the current answer none and I am quite proud of it. Meaningless drivel that the masses flock to, where an author writes about sex, drugs and alcohol, areas that hardly warrant literary recognition
10. People who tell me I cannot do something. First it rather surprises me, and merely reinforces my own resolve.
11. Judgmental People, I know it is an inherent thing, and even a quality animals use to have the survival of the fittest. But there has to be a healthy limit, and I think we go heads and tails above it.
12. Fake people. You know who you are, ‘nuff said.
13. People in general? People are stupid, individuals are smart.
14. Chain Restaurants, think about it, the money doesn’t stay in the community more often than not. So start thinking about buying local. It travels by far less, and much more money stays in the community, benefiting people a lot more.
15. Gas Prices. A car that costs $20.00 to fill last year should not cost $50.00 to fill this year. That’s it, I’m being a hermit, I have no intention of driving.
16. Cuttlebug, I think I could probably make a device similar for under 20, and yet you boast the exuberant price of $80.00. Why dost thou torture me?
17. Time, its said to be relative, so why cannot it just be done away with? It’s a devious being consistently mucking up my life.
18. People who complain and do nothing, that’s why our country is in the state its in, from silly pacification from overworked alienated beings. Lemmings anyone?
19. Oneuppers, can’t we just send them all to a state no one cares about? They do no good, and are typically rather miserable beings.
20. Upgraders, how is one supposed to be content, when everything in life is targeted to makeoneself feel that what one has is not, nor was it ever, good enough.
    
    If you finished reading, I apologize for the overly negative vibe, its 3:47 on a Friday afternoon after a holiday few people consider a holiday. It has been a long week, and somehow this Monday magically turns into a Friday.
    If you haven’t picked up I’ve rather overwhelmed myself, my own fault I agree, and yet I feel the society I grew up in and the position I currently hold has made it near impossible for me to say no. With this in mind, my list is a ranty way for me to fight back. I apologize, something better should be posted next time.

Princess Mononoke and My Love Hate Relationship

The first time I saw this movie I think I was 14, it was summer, and I was not too impressed with the show, but I kept watching because there were a lot of big names doing the voice overs. Little did I know that my years of watching my brothers playing RPG’s would lead me to a new addiction, Anime.

The story was poignant and sad, it did not end happily, like all other American films I had witnessed up to that time. Instead, there was an alluring beauty to the unigue new ending, where love was not the highest form of happiness, where dying for love, protecting nature and not being with the person you love, was put in a higher column than the cliché boy wins girl ending.

Lately however, with a husband dying to be an animator, I’m still drawn to the anime world, where the animation is like art.

But Princess Mononoke, like an entry drug, remains unviewed in years.

A good friend of mine in High School told me that I loved to hate the sad ending, and that in fact, I had no proof that the boy does not still see the girl after the ending. He has a point, but my insane desire for closure makes the ending very final, and so my brain is not allowed to see another ending.

I’ve watched other Miyazaki anime’s, but not Princess Mononoke and Ryan has no desire to watch it. So here I am twiddling my thumbs as I abstain from the desire to watch a movie that changed my young little life. The movie makes me insanely sad, cry and makes me ache for days. And yet, the desire has been burning as of late and I can’t seem to quench the flame, except for watching the movie.

Most Japanese anime’s, video games, movies have the same affect, oh and I am a sucker for them, insanely so.

But, the beauty of man versus nature, man versus magic, the end of one magical world and the beginning of an industrial world.

Very epic. Like Beowulf, as man must learn to live in a foreign new world, with unmystical beasts. Like Robin Hobb and Orson Scott Card. No wonder fantasy fascinates me. It speaks to me on a whole new level than pop culture. Its enchantment weaves its spell and only when the end is reached is there a huge feeling of loss, but those are the types of things I like to involve my mind with. No one said it was healthy, in fact it probably isn’t at all. But I am determined to do it to myself and so I will.

Someone asked me if I had read any of the books on the New York Bestseller list, I was nice to them about it, but I don’t think people really understand that it does not rate the level of writing, just the popularity, and with the above in mind, I think I don’t fall into the New York Bestseller reader category. I will say that there are always engima’s that appear, but for the most part its all garbage.

Not to attack writers, but its rare for a popular book from that list to be written by a well educated writer. In fact its rather depressing, that opportunity will knock for the mediocre, but not for the really brilliant. Why are we punishing genius?

Anyway, what is wrong with being different, enjoying that difference and believing that mainstream media should have a higher bar to achieve, to be more of an experience other than mindless entertainment? What is wrong with demanding more from media, to have it achieve some sort of epic standing?

I had a brilliant latin professor who challenged that movies are our modern day myths, personally I’d like to demand more if that is the case. She was brilliant published in very reputable books, we watched Seven Bride’s for Seven Brother’s version of the Rape of the Sabine women. Genius! But it seems all screenwriters are trying to achieve is a bigger paycheck by attracting the masses with trite material.

What would be so awful about a return to man really interacting with nature? With magic? The symbolism alone should be enough to quiet those people who think it paganistic. Not only that, it would inspire imagination, not the imagination killing Disney marketing schemes. What is wrong with wanting someone to pretend? To think for there self? As opposed to dolls from a film where you already have a story in mind…its frustrating. Poor mindless lemmings, and the worst part is they don’t know; it isn’t fair to take one’s ability to think outside of the box away from someone.

Well, we will see what we can do to return to the innocence of epic.

Apology on how blogspot screws up my paragraphs...blogspot and I are not on speaking terms today.

Harriet Smith as An Uncertain Character

Harriet Smith is an unpredictable character in a Jane Austen novel because she has a role in the plot that no other character would be able to do. The social network of Highbury places Harriet in an irregular position and makes her the wild card for many reasons. She has not known Emma for her entire life, and is so beneath Miss Emma Woodhouse that she is in no danger of making Emma feel inferior to her. Her own inferiority in contrast to Emma’s is what enables her to be befriended so completely. Harriet Smith's confession of liking Mr. Knightley has the unpredictable result of making Emma realize that she loves him; if Harriet, rather than Jane Fairfax, had not confessed such feelings, then Emma would have never realized that she was so completely in love with Mr. Knightley.
In Jane Austen's “Emma” we are given Miss Emma Woodhouse who befriends Miss Harriet Smith and decides that she, Emma, would be happiest to make Harriet happy by matching her with a man of the higher society of Highbury. Emma continues to lead Harriet into mischief and does not really help her friend find someone to marry. There are several elements of miscommunication that allow the story to weave a love triangle. As the story unweaves we are able to see the superior role Harriet has in the text. Harriet plays an important role in the story as she is the only person who can make Emma realize that she is in love with Mr. Knightely.
Harriet is fixed on by Emma as she is not more accomplished than her and is a different kind of pretty. Both of these attributes make Harriet the ideal companion for Emma as Emma may improve Harriet as she is introduced into Highbury's higher society. Harriet's inferiority in situation as well as upbringing make her an ideal friend for Emma as Emma is in no way worried of Miss Smith making her feel inferior in society because of her illegitimacy and so she will never be a threat like Miss Fairfax.
Emma has known Miss Fairfax and has been in competition with her for her entire life. Emma is not as accomplished as Jane, and Emma feels her inferiority in her own piano playing. Emma treats Jane unkindly because of her feeling of inferiority. Jane Fairfax is in an unpleasant situation as she is being trained to become a governess, despite this situation Emma continues to treat Jane with indifference.
Mrs. Weston believes Mr. Knightley takes too many pains on account of Miss Fairfax, and that he only does this because he is in love with her. She voices this claim further in the passage where she says: “My dear Emma, I have told you what led me to think of it. I do not want the match-I do not want to injure dear little Henry-but the idea has been given me by circumstances; and if Mr. Knightley really wished to marry you would not have him refrain on Henry's account, a boy of six years old, who knows nothing of the matter?”(176). She guesses that he must be attached from all of his attention that she has noticed as of late. Further she refutes Emma by telling her that Mr. Knightley should not hold himself from marriage because of a little boy.
Emma is upset by Mrs. Weston's match in a way entirely different from how she reacts to how Harriet's infatuation. The difference is specifically in her competition with Miss Fairfax, as opposed to her strong friendship with Miss Smith. When affronted by the idea of Mr. Knightley loving Miss Fairfax she has a claim on the time Mr. Knightley should spend away from Hartfield we can see this in the passage:
Her objections to Mr. Knightley's marrying did not in the least subside. She could see nothing but evil in it. It would be a great disappointment to Mr. John Knightley; consequently to Isabella...-a most mortifying change, and material loss to them all;-a very great deduction from her father's daily comfort-and, as to herself, she could not at all endure the idea of Jane Fairfax at Donwell Abbey. A Mrs. Knightley for them all to give way to!-No-Mr. Knightley must never marry. Little Henry must remain the heir to Donwell.
(179)
Emma is threatened by the claim a Mrs. Knightley should have on his time. She wishes Mr. Knightley to be able to come visit her father and herself when he wishes. Futhermore, Emma is threatened that her nephew Henry may be in danger of not inheriting Donwell Abbey. Her reactions show that she thinks Mr. Knightley belongs to her and Hartfield as his marrying would affect her family, she cannot wish it.
When Harriet voices her infatuation for Mr. Knightley this is when she becomes a threat to Emma. Emma is taken aback as we see in the passage during the confession from Miss Smith where she the narrator tells us: “She could not speak another word.-Her voice was lost; and she sat down, waiting in great terror till Harriet should answer”(318). This is unusual for Emma as she always has something to say to her dear friend. Her schemes for Miss Smith are completely blown away by this new realization. Not much later, Emma realizes why this is so much worse than Mr. Knightley loving Miss Fairfax. Emma comes to this conclusion as she ponders: “Why was it so much worse that Harriet should be in love with Mr. Knightley, than with Frank Churchill? Why was the evil so dreadfully increased by Harriet's having some hope of a return? It darted through her, with the speed of an arrow, that Mr. Knightley must marry no one but herself!”(320). The hope of Mr. Knightley’s returning her affection is a blow deeper to Emma than a mere infatuation. Emma has always had Mr. Knightley upon an altar, she thinks he is superior to Frank Churchill. She comes to the conclusion quickly and is very upset by the new threat presented by Harriet. Emma now realizes why she has never compared another man to Mr. Knightley and feels the full force of the new danger at hand of his returning Harriet’s affection.
Emma uses the confession of Harriet to find out how deep Harriet’s infatuation is. Menacingly she uses this to find out if Harriet’s hopes are perhaps returned by Mr. Knightley. In the following passage we see how Emma uses her friend’s confession to fortify her own concerns: “-For her own advantage indeed, it was fit that the utmost extent of Harriet's hopes should be enquired into; and Harriet had done nothing to forfeit the regard and interest which had been so voluntarily formed and maintained-or deserve to be slighted by the person, whose counsels had never led her right”(321). Harriet’s confession is used by Emma to show how sincere a threat Harriet is to her. She cannot justify hurting her friend and hindering her now, rather she hopes Mr. Knightley might not choose to marry at all. Emma does not ever expose Harriet’s infatuation which shows how deep a friendship they truly had.
She reacts differently because of how different her relationships are with both of the threats. As Harriet is her good friend she knows it is no simple matter of jealousy, as it would be if Jane were the threat. It is because of the differences in relationships that it takes Emma so long to realize she loves Mr. Knightley. If Harriet had never liked Mr. Knightley, Emma should have continued on without realizing she loves him.
It is the feminine competitive nature that allows Harriet to play so important a role. Jane Fairfax would have only antogonized Emma in her threat, but Emma would not have realized that her indifference was due to more than just the competition she has had with Miss Fairfax in feeling inferior to her accomplishments. Rather, Harriet was such a close friend that it was so odd that Emma should wish her to not have the returned affections of Mr. Knightley.
Harriet is successful as bringing about an unpredictable twist in the story. She is the only character equipped to control the result of Emma's love life. Had she never confessed of her infatuation Emma never would have had the threat of a good friend, who she particularly likes, falling in love with her own cherished love. The realization for emma takes place in the passage: “She saw that there never had been a time when she did not consider Mr. Knightley as infinitely superior, or when his regard for her had not been infinitely the most dear. She saw, that in persuading herself, in fancying, in acting to the contrary, she had been entirely under a delusion, totally ignorant of her own heart-”(324). Emma realizes she has always loved Mr. Knightley and that his importance to her as she once reasoned was an unconscious façade. This abrupt realization allows the reader to see the role of Harriet in a new light. Harriet is able to make Emma realize something that no other character would be capable of doing.
Harriet is chosen as the character to make Emma realize she is in love with Mr. Knightley from the beginning. This is evident in the contrasts between Jane Fairfax and herself and how Emma responds to them. Had Jane confessed a confession of liking Mr. Knightley, Emma would have been outraged, but she would not have thought that it was because she, Emma, was in love with Mr. Knightley. The unpredictable use of social networking through Harriet is effectively use to bring about an effect that no other character would be able to undertake. Through this use Harriet becomes an essential character to the plot.

Differences Between an Original and a Modern Adaptation

The 1995 film version of “Persuasion” directed by Roger Michell is a beautiful adaptation of the text. Though certain scenes are changed it shares the same tone and message of the text. Specific themes are more clear by the focus of the film and the director’s translation. One noticeable theme, was the importance of illuminating the focus on the Napoleonic wars. Also noticeable was the overall desire for Anne to be able to escape all of the Elliots. The end of the movie is very different from the text as the film reveals the focus of war as an element of escape for Anne Elliot.
The end of the book is quite different from the movie for many reasons, as the mediums are different and the audience At the end of the book, Captain Wentworth comes to Sir Walter’s rooms and is amiable, but no other significant events occur. In the last chapter Anne and Captain Wentworth end up together with little opposition or interest from the Elliots. Contrasting, in the end of the movie, before Captain Wentworth makes it to Sir Walter’s rooms, Anne overhears that Napoleon has escaped from Elba and that indeed the navy would be requested at once. Then Anne goes and sits by her cousin, Mr. Elliot, whom she knows to be only interested in her because of his own interests within the Elliot family; he requests her decision upon his proposal. Before Anne can answer Captain Wentworth comes in and announces to the whole room of their proposal and his request from Sir Walter to secure a date.
The differences between the two endings are striking because of the proposed themes revealed in the different mediums. The film has a more direct focus upon the value of war as an element of escape for Anne Elliot that the book does not qualify so well. In the book, Anne is mortified because of her own family connections as she was severely conscious:
…Of having no relations to bestow on him which a man of sense could value…The disproportion in their fortune was nothing; it did not give her a moment’s regret; but to have no family to receive and to estimate him properly; nothing of respectability, of harmony, of good-will to offer in return for all the worth and all the prompt welcome which met her in his brothers and sisters, was a source of as lively pain as her mind could well be sensible of, under circumstances of otherwise strong felicity.
(p 202)
The acute pain Anne suffers is lost in the movie as it does not show her embarrassment at her own relations, rather, Sir Walter makes a scene as he wonders why Captain Wentworth should have taken an interest in Anne, and this is a close translation to make Anne’s internal feelings shown through her family’s peculiar reactions. Anne’s value on sense versus rank is evident in both the film and the text as it is clear to the audience that rank should be nothing without sense. As Sir Walter has only his rank he is a ridiculous man for Captain Wentworth to desire to have a connection with.
Anne’s desire to have good sense over rank and social status estranges her in her family. The movie had to have a war for Anne to truly escape from her family, whereas the book leaves her marrying as separation enough. The values for when the movie was made about travel made this change necessary as travel is a lot more feasible and sixteen miles of good road are nothing. Thus Captain Wentworth has to necessarily draw Anne out of her family circle by the new worry of war resuming. In the book, Anne’s friends are worried about her as Captain Wentworth’s; “profession was all that could ever make her friends wish that tenderness less; the dread of a future war all that could dim her sunshine. She gloried in being a sailor's wife, but she must pay the tax of quick alarm for belonging to that profession which is, if possible, more distinguished in its domestic virtues than in its national importance”(p 203). The movie felt it was right in refuting the worry as Anne should be able to go seafaring along with him.
The book does not end with a return to war, but rather the fear Anne's friends have of their being one as she is now married to a Captain of the Navy. This illuminates the texts use of war, for if there never had been war, there would not have been a rise in social class for so many men in the Navy. “Persuasion” uses the war to elevate Captain Wentworth to be someone that the Elliot's old rank will have to respect. Since the change was so drastic for the old nobility, it can be no wonder that in order for Captain Wentworth to leave all of the nonsense of the Elliot’s behind, that the film would more practically resume war and have Anne be on a boat far away from the Elliots.

The Use of Poetry in Persuasion

Jane Austens novels are used to focus on the importance of reading as well as the dangers and strengths of specific genres. In “Persuasion” her targeted genre is poetry, and throughout the novel we see how specific the affect of poetry is on the plot. “Persuasion” uses poetry to exploit the characters with “a mind destroyed by wretchedness”(p 85). Poetry has a direct affect upon the emotions of characters in “Persuasion” as they grow and develop. When Anne judges the affects of poetry on Captain Benwick she realizes the danger to oneself if one only reads one genre; by exploiting one genre so severely the text shows us the danger of being focused too much on one type of reading as it becomes too large apart of the character’s identity.
There are two character’s that “Persuasion” chooses to show the danger of only reading poetry. They are Captain Benwick and Anne Elliot, as Captain Benwick is recovering from the loss of his deceased fiancé and as Anne tries to forget about Captain Wentworth. Anne is at a distinct disadvantage as she cannot forget someone with whom she is constantly around as she is at Uppercross. Captain Benwick is very comfortable with all of the dismal emotions of all of the poets as they reflect upon the sad state he is currently in. As we compare Anne to Captain Benwick we see how his enjoyment of poetry is truly hindering his recovery. Anne contrastingly is not so ill affected by poetry and is a good character to show how diversity in ones hobbies is a very amiable quality.
When Anne is in Lyme the affect of poetry on the plot becomes a lot more apparent. Captain Benwick meets Anne and as he is educated, she is quickly drawn into conversation with him. Upon their continued conversation Anne becomes aware of the ill affect of poetry to his recovery as he:
...shewed himself so intimately acquainted with all the tenderest songs of the one poet and all the impassioned descriptions of hopeless agony of the other, he repeated with such tremulous feeling, the various lines which imaged a broken heart, or a mind destroyed by wretchedness, and looked so entirely as if he meant to be understood, that she ventured to hope he did not always read only poetry; and to say, that she thought it was the misfortune of poetry, to be seldom safely enjoyed by those who enjoyed it completely; and that the strong feelings which alone could estimate it truly, were the very feelings which ought to taste it but sparingly.
(p 85)
Anne realizes that those who truly enjoy poetry are doing a great evil to themselves, as they seem to understand the poetry all too well. She reflects that those who are safe in reading the genre are typically those who cannot understand the verse very well. It is through Benwicks sole focus on poetry that the reader can feel what the text means by having the genre of poetry being the only genre read. The text shows the misfortune of people who are only focused upon poetry, as it has become a large part of who Captain Benwick’s character is, and as we see how Anne does not need to read poetry to maintain her identity.
As poetry relates to identity, we see how it contrasts Captain Benwick against Anne Elliot by how Anne re-evaluates her conversation with Captain Benwick. Anne is pondering upon her validity in judging the affect of poetry on Captain Benwick so harshly. She recognizes her own failures and is concerned as she reflects that she:
…could not but be amused at the idea of her coming to Lyme, to preach patience and resignation to a young man whom she had never seen before; nor could she help fearing, on more serious reflection, that, like many other great moralists and preachers, she had been eloquent on a point in which her own conduct would ill bear examination.
(p 85).
When she realizes that she is perhaps the wrong person to be so critical to the severe affect of poetry on Captain Benwick. Her concern with her unqualified judgment shows a new growth in Anne as she realizes what her sermon on patience and resignation would mean to someone who she knew very little and what his own judgment could be of her if he would know her better. This is a point where Anne is able to see failings in herself.
“Persuasion” is able to show the reader how severe the monopoly of one genre is upon the characters. By showing us this we are able to see how we are affected by our own monopoly of genres. The text allows the reader to be severe upon the characters and then unconsciously upon theirselves. When the text is able to point out the evils of its own genre we are able to broaden our own reading horizons and diversify, and then safely take the bad and the good of the genre.

Why I am Not a BYU Fan

Growing up in the valley, it seems people were always so blindsided to the differences between the U and the Y. It was always so irritating, and it still is, to have people bow down and worship the Y. I think the Y is a great school, but it was by far, no longer the best choice for me.

My parents both attended the Y. However, my dad was from a small town in Wisconsin and he did not grow up with a lot of members. I believe BYU's are for these people, to give them a chance to meet a lot more members. My mom, born and raised in Utah, went to the U first and then the Y, or the Y first and then the U...either way she attended both.

Now especially, with strong institute programs available at more schools, the reason for Utahns to attend a private religious school is gone. For all those still devout Y fans, good for you, but it doesn't and never will make sense, to be rooting for a football team on the grounds that it is the "lords school", and when the majority of the players are not actually LDS.

For those parents that brainwash there children thus, I ask a simple question, "Why?" How does it benefit a child to grow up bashing another University? Bashing education? now who is the tyrant?

The reason I make this stand is because, recently, I was talking to a cousin from out of state who was discussing with me all of the biases of all the BYU's. We talked about how someone from out of state has a much better chance of getting in to BYU, how foreign people have a better chance to get into BYU-H, and how BYU-I is really the only school where I would have an equal chance of getting into. I think BYU has its place, but not for people who have access to great institutes where they already live.

A New Beginning

This blog is addressed to the radical and abrasive viewpoints I have. I make no apologies, so in advance to that I am free to write about anything I want. Anyone who links this blog to another site will not be in my good graces.

The reason for the new beginning: Writing is something very very precious to me. I don't have kids and so this blog is an outlet for me to write and pretend to be published. If you really know me, you know I have outrageous viewpoints, I am very emotional and highly irrational. I am no cookie cutter wife. I never intend to be. I intend to enjoy everything the way I wish and have no desire to feel I am wrong.

How so many new audiences really did make me feel cornered: I'm not ready to write for multiple audiences, and my views may make people feel I should never be a Children's Book Editor, it is because of these people that I will. Life is not about judging, its about enjoying, I am prepared to deal with my life, and I will not alter my way of life to go with the majority.

Blogging is a joke for writers, it is a fad, but its a good way to centralize all of ones writings. This is originally what my blogging life has been about. I posted poems that meant a good deal to me, freewrites that got me through my boring grey office days. And so this is a return, to all of the random soapboxes, if this is too real for you, don't read it, its not for you